Ten

Bill Gates' New Year's Resolutions

A little humor for the holiday season.

A well-connected source e-mailed us the following list of New Year's Resolutions, which he claims he lifted from Bill Gates' laptop by guessing his password: holycrapamirich. Naturally, we can't say for sure that they're Bill's own resolutions. You'll have to judge for yourself.

Stacks of MoneyBank of Bill
Open the Bill & Melinda Savings & Loan, so the next time some jokester asks me if I can loan him $1 million, I can say, "Sure, I'd be happy to, at a mere 6.25 percent interest for qualified customers. Go see Melinda."

Give a Billion
On a similar note, the next time someone asks me whether I can spare $1 billion, I resolve to give it to him, under one condition. He must agree to let me send the following e-mail to anyone who asks me for money ever again: "Thank you for asking me for money. Please contact John Doe, who has $1 billion of my money and is under explicit orders to give you some."

Pay Your Loans
Perhaps I should take the advice of Jim Schledorn of San Antonio, Texas, and pay off all student loans for those who have gone into debt to become MCPs, MCSAs, MCSEs and the like. It's time I give back to the people who have made me so God-awful, obscenely, filthy rich.

Mick JaggerKnight v2.0
Now that it's been almost a year since I got that honorary knighthood from Queen Elizabeth, I resolve to find out what "KBE" stands for. I should also see about upgrading to full knight status, so I can go as "Sir Bill." Mick Jagger is a "sir" and I'm a KBE? I think not!

A Fix for SA
Take a closer look at Software Assurance. SA customers keep complaining they pay a premium for upgrades that never come because we keep missing product ship dates. On the other hand, I could tell them to quit whining. Yeah, that's a better tack. "Quit whining." I'll get marketing to put a good spin on that.

Beat the Feds
I read in BusinessWeek that the dividend we gave shareholders last year added up to about $9 billion, whereas the expanded child-credit tax cut that the feds gave out amounted to $14 billion. This year, I'll double the dividend and kick the government's butt for a change!

PenguinLearn to Love Open Source
I resolve to once and for all stop the infernal complaining from those misguided open source zealots. I shall build a version of Linux with a Windows interface. What a coup that will be! That dumpy little penguin will look sweet with a Windows logo pasted on his belly.

That's Enough, Larry
Scott Bekker at Redmond had a good idea. Now that I've bought the cooperation of the antitrust loudmouths at Sun, Novell and the Computer & Communications Industry Association (CCIA), I should figure out a way to get Larry Ellison to shut his pie hole.

Code for Your Life
Donald Trump is always mentioned in the same sentence as the word "bankruptcy" and Richard Branson has just a couple lousy billion, but they each have their own reality TV show. It's about time I got into that game. Actual geeks writing real code on live television. First one to devise a workable WinFS wins. Now that's entertainment!

Proper Planning
Get a big, multi-year calendar and stick it on the wall. Have the kids throw darts at it. Pick the one that lands farthest from today's date, call the press and tell them we've got a firm ship date for Longhorn.

About the Author

Paul Desmond, the founding editor in chief of Redmond Channel Partner magazine, is president of the IT publishing firm PDEdit in Southborough, Mass. Reach him at paul@pdedit.com.

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