There'll be a dozen flavors of Windows 2000 to suit just about every IT professional. Plus, fan mail!
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There'll be a dozen flavors of Windows 2000 to suit just about every IT professional. Plus, fan mail!
It seems that my fondness for junk food has preceded
me. I was recently contacted by a major beverage manufacturer
to test a new line of drinks intended to compete against
my beloved Yoo Hoo. My tastebuds jumping at the chance
to be doused in corn syrup, I nevertheless declined the
offer because my conscience simply wouldn’t let me consort
with The Enemy. Sometimes it’s best to keep things simple,
as in the case of Yoo Hoo. Other times, variety is the
spice of life—witness Windows 2000.
Win2K comes in four versions; Professional (aka, “son
of NT4 Workstation”), Server, Advanced Server, and Data
Center Server. The biggest difference between Server and
Advanced Server is clustering support. Data Center will
be out a couple of months after the other three, with
increased SMP capability and more goodies for your nuclear-powered
back office.
Then there’s Microsoft “Comet,” some ultra-secret project
that’ll come on the heels of W2K’s release. Comet ties
together networking and security, but it’s really just
a red herring to throw you off the trail of these new,
ulta-secret versions of Windows 2000:
- Windows 2000 ShoppingCenter—This
version of the OS is specifically designed for retail
enterprises, and includes a laundry, supermarket, hardware
store, pizzeria, and Chinese takeout. W2KSC will also
function if several of its retail “nodes” cease operation.
Purchase of this version is subject to local zoning
laws.
- Windows 2000 Extra Crispy—Chock
full of Colonel Bill’s secret blend of spices, “features,”
and undocumented APIs, W2KEC is the perfect accompaniment
for the IT professional’s routine du jour, from three-box
shops to thousand-server, engulf-and-devour enterprises.
Order the combo with a mega-Jolt Cola and french-fried
Help Desk, and check under the label for your chance
to win a free perforated ulcer!
- Windows 2000 Lite—For those
who prefer a lean, mean OS, it’s W2K Lite, aka Da Operating
Smoothie. Retro is in and so is W2K Lite’s styling,
with a GUI streamlined into sleek monochrome. You don’t
even need a mouse! Just type in your commands at the
“C:\>” prompt, which might seem oddly familiar, but
hip and innovative. With W2K Lite’s support for cassette
tape drives and paper tape puncher/readers, just imagine
how much you can save on storage media.
- Windows 2000 Sort Of Advanced
Server—All the features of W2K Server, plus the
ability to cluster one node! Great for dual-boot laptops.
- Windows 2000 CAL—Not an
operating system, but a generic Client Access License
for every version of every Back Office product Microsoft
has released since the Reagan Administration. This cost-effective
solution may be purchased Per Server, Per Seat, or Per
Remaining Hair on Your CIO’s Head, take your pick. Now,
who can say Windows low TCO is a myth?
- Windows 2000 IAD—This version
features an InActive Directory for users who are just
too darn fond of NTLM security, bogus domain models,
stream-of-consciousness trust relationships, non-granular
administration capabilities, and a flat, inherently-limited
namespace. Just because Redmond loves us all, users
are required to find the sole accurate entry in their
WINS database at every logon, then corrupt it (in case
it isn’t already hosed).
- Windows 2000 Episode One: The
Federal Menace—A completely interactive experience.
You’re one of two Codi Knights who discover a young
boy with immeasurable potential and a really bad haircut
on a far-off planet. Can you evade the evil JustSith
and deliver the boy safely for training so that he can
grow immensely powerful and force you to upgrade at
his whim? Stay tuned for Episode Two.
- Windows 2000 South Park Special
Edition—Publishing deadlines being what they
are, this is the first chance Auntie has had to reflect
on Bill Gates’ brief but pivotal appearance in the summer’s
“South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut” extravaganza,
a cinematic cameo worthy of Hitchcock, Woody Allen,
or even Dudley Moore. I’ve just heard word of the special
W2K release commemorating the film: WKSPSE, when installed,
checks all text files on your system against the movie’s
credits and if it comes up with a match, it low-level
formats your system drive. Isn’t that a hoot? The bonus
AVI features an animated Steve Case of AOL filling in
for Kenny.
The holidays are coming up sooner than you think, and
Auntie wanted you to know about these goodies well in
advance of the shopping hordes. Why not pick up a few
for that special office party or New Year’s Eve survivalist
huddle?
Hitting the Fan Mail
I'm kind of new to the IT industry and I have to admit it's
harder than heck to find work without a millenia of experience.
It's almost as if three years is the magic number. I'm an
MCP and a CNA and I thought after certifying the masses
would come to me. Guess what? They didn't. Now where's this
humungous butt I have to kiss to at least get my toe in
the door? I'm anxious and ready to implode if nothing happens
soon. Help!!!
—
Starving, Jose A.
Humongous butts are all over the place (have you checked
Washington, DC, for instance?), but you might as well
unpucker those lips. If you're new to the field, consider
that there's more competition at the entry level than
a few years ago. What else do you bring to the table
besides those certs? Sell your other skills as well
as your MCP and CNA certifications, both of which are
pretty much entry level. You'd probably be well off
continuing to study while you job hunt, and consider
looking for first-level Help Desk work. It doesn't pay
that much, but it'll get you in the right environment
where you can demonstrate your skills. Good luck!
The Em C. Pea articles I have seen in recent issues of
MCP Magazine have a style, insight, and tone of
Kim Kommando, a technology writer for Popular Mechanics
as well as a syndicated column in many major papers. In
fact, I would have to say you were both of the same caliber.
I don't like her either.
—James W.
You're off my Christmas list, Jimmy boy! Her Auntieness
does not at all appreciate being compared to someone
who made her rep through an infomercial. I work for
a living—pundit and IT deity is a side job I do out
of the weirdness of my heart. As far as I can tell about
Kim K., to paraphrase Gertrude Stein, "There ain't
no there there." Guess I'm off her Christmas list
now. Darn! I really wanted to use her tapes to teach
my cat Excel.
About the Author
Em C. Pea, MCP, is a technology consultant, writer and now budding nanotechnologist who you can expect to turn up somewhere writing about technology once again.