Ten

Best Presidential Candidates We'll Never See

Bill Belichick, the Dalai Lama and George Lucas are among our favorites. Who would you like to see?

In recognition of the 2004 election season, it's time to muse about folks we'd like to see win the race for the White House in 2008. Hurry—the campaign starts in four days.

10. Bill Belichick
This Patriot is an acknowledged genius in homeland defense with a proven record of victory at home and in hostile territory—namely Pittsburgh. Won't run because: He's friends with Bon Jovi, making him unelectable.

9. Oprah Winfrey
As Managing Editor Keith Ward points out, Oprah has the perfect political profile: Wildly successful for no apparent reason, she's wealthy enough to deliver on her promise of a new car in every driveway, endearing her with consumers and business alike. Won't run because: Heading up her TV show, magazine, book club, Angel Network and Boutique leaves 11 minutes for campaigning between now and 2008.

8. Brooke Justice
A Redmond reader, Brooke says he would make "the best" presidential candidate—bar none! Brooke is prone to strong opinions. "What's more, they're all right on! I could fix the world's problems," he says, and I believe him because his last name is Justice. Alas, he won't run because he's "way too happy" keeping his network running and "keeping out the bad guys." Drat! "President Justice" has such a nice ring to it.

7. Michelle Pfeiffer
Trust me when I tell you that grisly Congressmen and disgruntled world leaders alike will melt in the mere presence of Michelle. She is a leader in every sense of the word. Lead me, Michele, take my hand and lead me wherever you will. Run, Michele, run like the wind. I will follow, I will follow.

6. Steve Ballmer
He's CEO of a company that produces more revenue than most countries and hasn't been in debt since he joined in 1980. Wouldn't that be a refreshing change in Washington? Won't run because: Fears for his place in history should the urge to disband the Justice Department prove insurmountable.

5. Bill Murray
Murray excels at the two crucial attributes for any popular president: Telling jokes and playing golf. He's also "licensed by the government of the United Nations"—a foreign policy plus. Won't run because: Secret Service guys are eerily reminiscent of Sgt. Hulka.

4. My Mother
A budget expert who kept the books while raising seven kids, she could manage to feed the hungry and treat the sick given a trillion-dollar credit line. Job approval ratings are through the roof. Won't run because: Like all retirees, she is forced to spend every waking hour trying to decipher the Medicare reform bill.

3. The Dalai Lama
Kindness and compassion and universal responsibility—our Executive Editor of Reviews, Lafe Low, thinks that's a sound political platform. I can get behind the Dalai Lama's assertion that, "War is out of date, obsolete," but worry about his ability to get the all-important NRA vote. Won't run because: He wasn't born in the U.S. You can relax, Rambo, at least until Arnold gets that little law changed.

2. Donald Trump
Running on the premise of making his entire presidency a reality TV show, he'd be elected in a landslide. He continues his "Apprentice" series with contestants vying for a different job: Vice president of the U.S. Won't run because: Ummm … Why won't he run again? Someone please tell me why he won't run.

1. George Lucas
Enough with all the Star Wars anti-missile talk; let's bring in the guy who wrote the script—and made it pay. Luke Skywalker and Indiana Jones go to Washington, against an American Graffiti soundtrack—we can't help but feel good. "I hate snakes!" is the mantra. The State of the Union Address becomes such an explosion of special effects that seven Supreme Court Justices retire. HDTV sales skyrocket. The term "soccer mom" is removed from the lexicon because everyone is either at the movies or playing video games. Won't run because: He built Skywalker Ranch to escape Hollywood. Fat chance he'll agree to work in Washington, Obi-Wan.

About the Author

Paul Desmond, the founding editor in chief of Redmond Channel Partner magazine, is president of the IT publishing firm PDEdit in Southborough, Mass. Reach him at paul@pdedit.com.

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Reader Comments:

Mon, Nov 8, 2004 levi3o4 Anonymous

Star Wars all the way! though your mom would be good, too. Oh, and 1st!

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